“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
i love modern commerce
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
britain’s three elite institutions
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b