*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
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[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.