there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
They grow up so quick
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”