There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Deer are just ballerina dogs
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.