There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Education is vital
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*