There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”