There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”