Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
This is why I hate group projects
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.