Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.