There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
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Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
me when I see my crush
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”