@shutupmikeginn: There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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@abradacabla: *walks up to Michael Cohen's door* "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Says." "Says who?" "THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM."
@rickolantern: [making yellowjackets] Angel: These things don't really do anything other than sting people God: We're running out of college mascots
@Fred_Delicious: [Girl takes off her clothes] "You have had sex before right?" [Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower] ... "no actually"
@shawnspree: I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.