There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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Liquor Store Parking
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I put the h in mysterious.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Home is where your toilet is.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.