@badbanana: There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.
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@EJGomez: trump: ban muslims jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
@abhorrent_wife: Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes.
@Brentweets: "In case of emergency break glass" Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can't even open a Cheetos bag.