@badbanana: There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.
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@Vodkantots: 9: My teacher doesn't wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn't need it because she's younger. Me: Get out of the car.
@meganamram: When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it's like what am i, your maid
@MattchooFitz: "Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!" [tries to date pizza] [gets friend calzoned]
@McMcmadmac: When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.