One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
🍛
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
No, I don’t think I will.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.