@BigBec43: There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat's pretty pissed
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@slimmy_shady: Homeless man asked me if I could 'spare some change'. I told him 'change comes from within'. Long story short, I'm missing a kidney.
@jwoodham: A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can't even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.