@BigBec43: There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat's pretty pissed
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@TheGrimKing: Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit.
@bourgeoisalien: If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."
@Dawn_M_: Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
@jonnysun: to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the "shout" song says "a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now"