@BigBec43: There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat's pretty pissed
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@junejuly12: BREAKING NEWS Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015 Use it while you can, white girls
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.
@briancthayer: Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you.
@SteveSuckington: "I'm just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink" -guy who discovered milk