just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
me and who
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.