Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night