there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
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Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Meeeee too!
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.