me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs