There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
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JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes