@JohnHilsen: There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there's only been 32. Those are just the facts.
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@david8hughes: I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: What did I ask you to do? Me: Love you forever? W: M: Kill a man to defend you honor? W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER I was getting there.
@SnellWarren: My mind is always on fast forward while my body's in slow motion. I'm just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
@3sunzzz: [notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?