There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
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waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.