There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you