“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
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twitter users today:
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
titanic
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]