There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
#damn
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME