There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
There is wisdom there.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I don’t know what to do
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever