There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: