Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.