i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
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11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
How to woo a woman
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Why do meteors always land in craters?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.