There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Wait for it