There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Taliband
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets