There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix