There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
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My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
How can I say no to this ?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
You know…for fall…
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this