There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha