@NikiWithIssues: There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
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@Tommytoughstuff: "Can I pet your dog?" "Sure, but he can be aggressive." [He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
@Donna_McCoy: Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
@Carbosly: Baby showers are so weird. It's like "hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system".