@NikiWithIssues: There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
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@iinkedZombie: I'm sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
@NoTheOtherJohn: [God is taking a nap] Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
@GrantTanaka: me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life wife: no, the rest of yours
@SondraDeeMe: [Skype] ME: Finally I see your face and wow. HIM: [naked] Where are you?! ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.