There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You Might Also Like
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.