@LADaddy: There's a button on this hotel phone that says, "Pizza".
I may never leave.
@cluedont: Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?
@TheMichaelRock: I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
@ImABaconDonut: 5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: It's faster my way.
I don't know how to counter that argument.
@robdelaney: It's normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
@ChaseMit: Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have "evolved." Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.