@LADaddy: There's a button on this hotel phone that says, "Pizza".
I may never leave.
@stuckinaportal: "were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?"
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
@BromanConsul: My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he's just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
@mortimermaiden: *breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
Great, now that you're all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I'm weird.
@Love_bug1016: What, I'm Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
@djdarrellripley: Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog....