@LADaddy: There's a button on this hotel phone that says, "Pizza".
I may never leave.
@lovejulieayn: Snoop Dogg; Shake what'cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm... ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I can't finish my lunch. I don't feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I'm sick, not dead.
@OneFunnyMummy: I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I'm making up for that now.
@Spaced_Cowboy00: A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
@girlontapas: I do things for others...
Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.