There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
You Might Also Like
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“What movie?” 🤔
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
john wicks are toilet candles
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier