@1Happytwit: There's a cat curled up on my pillow, and I'd probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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@Cheeseboy22: I don't understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
@MomOfTeen: For Mother's Day, I told my teens, I'm going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
@aLunchBox: Ignorant person: "You're Canadian. You live in igloos, right?" Me: "You're American. You live in McDonalds', Right?