There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Just as the prophecy foretold
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.