@goldengateblond: There's a crying baby on my bus and I'm all "shut up baby, you're not the one going to work."
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@llvvzz: What woman say right before they kill you: Wow. Fine. Whatever. No problem. I'm not mad. Nothing's wrong. Sure, stay friends with your ex.
@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: you have three wishes. ME: sweet, I wish for pie. GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
@Leemanish: HOW TO JOG: 1. Put on jogging outfit. 2. Go outside. 3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street. 4. Try to milk that cow.
@Tuna_Lover: I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.