There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?