There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..