On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
When you’re Kinky but poor
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.