There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“i am a sweet baby”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.