There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
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Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
My teenage children choosing violence
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.