There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar