There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
me hitting on a model
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever