@KentWGraham: There’s a fire at a trick birthday candle plant. Firefighters have been battling the blaze on and off for 5 days.
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@ProdigyNelson: [1st time buying drugs] Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas* Me: hell ya
@wolfpupy: a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don't need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
@WildeThingy: [re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] "come to me baby, and jump, and oops... You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear."
@shariv67: People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one's laughing now. Wait.