Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
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Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?