What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
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A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Somebody’s lying.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Pretty much! 😂👀
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog