You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.