There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma