@BGH70: There's a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I'm not sure if it's performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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@daemonic3: [math class] How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don't have feet? "By crawling to the counter?" GET OUT
@david8hughes: [teaching son to brush his teeth] Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]