there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
6: are snakes just neck?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.