The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town